What a difference a day makes.

I normally use this space to write about (mostly) D/s related things: topics, ideas, and similar which may have caught my eye. However tonight it's a little more personal. Since changing my job last August I have been working extremely long hours, and added to which I have a two hour plus journey each way to and from work. My shift in the office is 12 hours and so my working day is some 17 hours before I sleep! Added to that i have been doing 5 days on, then three off. The five days is totally exhausting, and the three off doesn't really give enough time to recover.

Well, as of last week, we have a new guy in the office and I have finally got to get back onto 4 days on, 4 days off. Consequently one less day at work, and one extra off is sheer bliss! Already I feel the benefit of this, in that i am not tired all through my days off. Today is my third day off and i feel totally refreshed, and have another off before I go back on Wednesday.

So what does all this mean? Well, for the last couple of months we (cleo and I) have rather lost our way within our M/s (not for the first time) but with the extra time at home, and with a better frame of mind created by not being so tired I feel we can get back on track.

We sat down this weekend and again put in place some very simple rules within which we should be able to better operate our M/s, and as such I feel we are better set to move forward, with a joint agreement over certain things which will be good for us both. We have had to do this before, but I am sure any relationship has its high and low points where seeing eye to eye is not always possible. In this case it was not any disagreement as such, just force of circumstance, and the inability to dedicate enough time to each other. That has now been resolved, and I am pleased for both of us.

Any relationship is about compromise, but I also believe that we have to find ways to achieve our ambitions, and even though they may not always happen right away, being of one mind is one way to ensure that both are heading in the same direction. This can only come through good communication and understanding. For my part, I am so happy that i have my cleo because in her I have a focus, a brilliant shining light to show me the way. I know, i know, Doms are supposed to be the guides and all that! Well sometimes a Dom too can get off track. cleo is my guide too, and while she will never admit it, without her i would be nothing.

For that I will be eternally grateful.

Three Years and counting

It was sometime in December 2001.

We had met for the first time a few months before, and knew from that first moment we were meant to be together. Both in unhappy marriages and both knowing there was something more for each of us if we took the leap of faith.

Well, that day in December I called cleo and said to her "What are you doing on 17th January?"
"Nothing" she said. "Oh good" I said, "Because I thought I would move in that day.."

And so, 17th January 2002, we became Master and slave 24/7. Three years that I can honestly say have been the best three years of my life. Today marks the anniversary of that first step, and we are closer now, than any other couple I know, without exception.

We share the same likes and dislikes, and the same common interests. We are soulmates, lovers, friends, and confidantes, parents and above all else, Master and slave. Inseparable.

I have gained so much in that time: spiritual growth, learning, happiness, and a family that I never had. I sometimes hear myself talking to cleo's daughters and think "God. I sound just like my Dad" Well, if being with cleo has made me more like Him then I can only say I am pleased, because I respected Him more than any other man I have ever known.

Naturally there have been good times and bad. Nothing is perfect; we all have to struggle to resolve daily issues of money, work, health and countless other things. What makes that easier to cope with is having a strong and solid foundation built upon a love which transcends everything else. No matter what life throws at us we will always survive because cleo and I are a team; we work best as a team, together. Mutual support is what we are about.

I know that cleo has written in her weblog tonight about this anniversary too and I am sure she has done a better job than me. But I could not let this day go unrecorded, because it is important to both of us. Furthermore this year, we have decided to be married as well.

I have but one regret in all this: I only wish cleo and I had met 30 years ago, rather than when we did, because we would be even closer now. We have time in the future of course, but less than perhaps we would have liked, although we will make the most of every minute of every day.

Finally , to my cleo I say this: my slave, I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as I will tomorrow. Thank you.

Equality

My cleo has recently written a piece in her personal blog about equality within a D/s or lifestyle relationship.

Read it here.

Now, this is something we have discussed at length many times but I thought it worth mulling over again because in this case cleo and I are not in our usual agreement over this matter. Her argument (in the debating sense) is that within our M/s we cannot possibly be equal, and furthermore she does not wish to be my equal.

Why I ask myself should this be? cleo stated in her blog and i quote from there:

"...i cannot and will not argue that both MG and i as human beings are equal, and if we were not Master and slave i would have no problem with that at all. But, we are and as Master, from my perspective, He is the greater being, i bow to his authority, i kneel before Him, i give of myself in all and very aspect of our lives, willingly..."

Why does she see me as the "greater being" because I am Master? It has to be something to do with her submissive nature. However the fact that I provide for her and look after her, and to the best of my ability see to all her needs does not make me any more of a person than she is. My answer in this case is that she provides for me too, by way of looking after me: cooking, cleaning, ironing, preparing my lunches for work, seeing that I always take my medication on time every day, and a million other things to boot.

We have chosen to be Master and slave, and that choice was made jointly by both of us, after due consideration of the implications of such a choice. The fact that we were both involved within making that decision is indicative, for me at least, that we are each as important as the other within the relationship. I cannot be Master without my slave and she cannot be slave without Me. That for me is the fundamental two way street of any relationship; we are what we are as a result not only of our own psyche, but also in no small part, due to the influence which is brought to bear upon us by the other party in our relationship.

I can understand her struggle in this because she looks to me for decisions, and for me to lead us forward in certain parts of our lifestyle. Therefore because I am the decision maker I am seen, by cleo at least, as a "majority shareholder" within what we do. If, and I say if, I were to require something of her with which she did not agree I know that she would accede to my request. Does that make me "greater"? Of course not.

It would appear that the submissive mind naturally assumes that through submission they are not equal. I have to disagree, on the principle that just because you submit to my will you are no less equal, or important than I am. To me, my slave is the single most important thing in my life, without exception. Does that make her a lesser being within the relationship? No, it makes her as important within the dynamics of our D/s as I am.

cleo goes on to pose a question in another blog post she made using the analogy of a game: in this case an online 8-ball pool game. The other evening we were playing this game while I was at work, and she was at home, and to be honest she gave me a damn good thrashing. As a result she felt uncomfortable in this, because she does not want to be "superior to me" (her words, not mine) in any way. While i see the thinking behind the analogy in one sense, I also feel it is not a good one because, to coin a phrase "it's only a game" and cannot be compared to life. The fact that I was beaten out of sight makes me no less of a Dominant, and her no less submissive. Several times when it was obvious she was going to win another game she said to me she was uncomfortable in the moment of having to make the final "killer shot", but I told her that she must play to win, always.

We build websites, for fun mostly: cleo is the graphics expert, and I do the tech stuff. When we need a particular piece of graphics wizardry for a page and i say to cleo "make it look like this" and she creates a wonderful piece of artwork does that make me feel inferior? of course not.

We have debated this several times over the last few days and at this time, while I write this blog entry I have spent some time explaining to cleo my thoughts on the matter. She will not see my point of view on the subject, and so, I have sent her to the kitchen to do the washing up and to think about it while she does. There's equality for you!

The Drug that is D/s

There are thousands of web pages written about D/s. Many explain what it is, how to conduct oneself, techniques, methods, and protocols. Others give us the opportunity to meet others of a like mind and exchange views and ideas in chat rooms and forums. These pages are all designed to help each of us to conduct our D/s in an informed and safe way. Every page or article has its merits, even those we don’t agree with.

I have seen very few articles which attempt to explain the “nature” of D/s and how, once we have experienced some form of D/s or BDSM, it becomes very difficult to walk away and never go back.

In many ways D/s is like a drug, and a very addictive one at that: once you have experienced it you will find you need more and more, you need to feed the habit. Most people have an inherently addictive nature; that is, having experienced something we enjoy or which satisfies a need that we have (either mental, physical, or both) we find we must return to that continually to satisfy the continual demand which we have created within ourselves for that.

Most people’s first experience of D/s (or BDSM) can be very much “on the surface” and will often be couched in terms of “kinky sex”: maybe some bondage, or spanking. Quite often these activities might be regarded as simply an extension of our sexual gratification, ways to add a little spice to what might have become a little stale and “always the same”. Of course there is nothing wrong with this and indeed many people never take their BDSM any further than that. Their needs are satisfied in those ways, although we should see that their needs are that: a requirement for the additional experiences created by the physical and mental stimulation obtained by participation in D/s and BDSM activities.

From those first almost furtive moments when we might try some bondage or spanking there are many for whom the sudden realisation of the incredible mental and physical possibilities available to us through D/s becomes abundantly clear. At first we may be embarrassed to admit our likes and enjoyment of these activities even to our partner. Sometimes of course the partner with whom we take these first steps may not share the same conviction as ourselves: that D/s is something we need or want. For many this of course can lead to a relationship crisis because if one partner wants some form of D/s or BDSM in their lives, and the other does not, suddenly we find we are looking outside the relationship for that fulfilment. This is going to be, in many cases at least a recipe for long term disaster within a relationship.

During these first experiments with D/s many couples find that each has a preference for a particular role within the relationship: either Dominant or submissive. By nature people are either more dominant or more submissive and that dominance of one may well complement the submissiveness of the other. This of course is what defines many D/s relationships: a meeting of a dominant and a submissive nature thus creating a mutually rewarding partnership from which both parties get some kind of fulfilment.

At this point having discovered that we are either Dominant or submissive we can begin to delve deeper into our needs and wants, thereby further enhancing these experiences, getting more and more from what we do as we learn to tailor these activities to better satisfy the needs of ourselves and our partners.

Many people believe at first that they are the only ones who have discovered these “odd” desires. They find it extremely awkward to talk about them, even to each other, although over time and especially within a healthy D/s relationship communication becomes a major and vital role in further expressing our continued desires and enables us and our partners to achieve that mutuality upon which all good relationships are based.

Having accepted the role within a relationship of either the dominant or submissive, of controlling or being controlled (to a lesser or greater degree depending on the relationship) it can be as if a great weight has been lifted from the shoulders of both parties. For those who are naturally D/s allowing free reign to these qualities can be so rewarding that once found one often wonders how we ever managed without this in our lives.

As we all know, activities of any kind are controlled by the brain, whether they be voluntary or involuntary. At the simplest level this may be explained by a series of chemical changes which happen either before during or after certain actions or as a result of other activities.

Take as an example the release of endorphins. Endorphins are naturally occurring substances within the brain which are similar in their chemical makeup to pain killers like morphine. Endorphins are very powerful painkillers (sometimes thought to be 10,000 times more powerful than morphine). When, within our BDSM activities we create pain the body produces endorphins as a result. As well as nullifying the effect of pain endorphins create a “high” within us which, depending upon how intense the stimulation is and for how long, can be pleasant and which we will subsequently associate with pleasure and good experiences.

It is worth remembering at this point that there are two kinds of “pain”: we refer to these as “pain pain” and “pleasure pain”. The first can be thought of as simply the nasty effect of hitting the thumb with a hammer – it bloody hurts! The second, and that which we are more concerned with here, is the pain which goes hand in hand with the erotic interchange of D/s: spanking, clamping, flogging etc. Although this pain may well be as intense as the “pain pain” from the hammer the environment and situation within which it is created is entirely different. In most cases (and in my view it should be all) the infliction of this pain should be consensual i.e. “I agree to you doing this to me within the boundaries that we have set and I reserve the right to call an unconditional halt at any time should I feel uncomfortable with it”.

[Note: The idea expounded here is that of a "safeword": the use of a pre arranged signal between parties which calls a halt to any activity as a result of some problem, whether actual or perceived. This of course is something which should always be (in my view) maintained within the Safe, Sane and Consensual aspects of what we undertake within a D/s or BDSM relationship. It also should be remembered that a dominant can use a safeword too].

That last statement of course takes the view from a submissive’s perspective. It should be remembered also that the dominant can become “uncomfortable” too, with signs or signals they might receive from the submissive (body language). Many subs feel they have failed if they “safe out” and will often endure “pain pain” rather than use a safeword. It therefore becomes a major responsibility of the Dominant to be aware of these hidden signals and to call a halt to activities if that is the case.

The perspective of the Dominant may be summed up by the statement: “I agree to do this to you within the boundaries we have set but I reserve the right to stop if I am uncomfortable with hat I am doing, seeing, to or from the submissive”

Continuing the drug analogy, most people who have a habit of any kind usually start small and find their need for a fix grows over time. Once the habit is established regular fixes are required to stop the onset of withdrawal (cold turkey). Similarly in D/s the effects of both mental and physical activities become, in a sense, “habit forming”. We seek them out more and more and as time passes they become more intense too, thus enabling the body to attain the endorphin high which is produced as a result. The need to increase the activity level can be likened to the effect of becoming immune to a drug: take the same dose over a period of time and the effects are less and less as the body becomes used to it. To continue gaining the desired effect we often need to step up the dose. This fits very well with the observation that within a D/s relationship we must continually try new things in an attempt to deepen the intensity and experience which we gain from it.

As well as these very obvious physical effects we should never forget the “mental” aspects of D/s. By their very nature those who are either Dominant or submissive have needs which they have admitted must be satisfied. For a Dominant there is the need to control, to take responsibility and to make decisions. For the submissive it is the need to serve, and to please, to relinquish control and decision making to another. Because each is comfortable with that chosen position when that position is changed: that is if the relationship breaks down, and for example the submissive has to start making their own decisions again a basic need is not being met and the result will often be unhappiness apprehension, and even fear, all of which can be associated closely with the mental and physical manifestations of drug withdrawal symptoms.

While my analogy is a simple one I hope it helps to define a little better how a d/s relationship might work. Of course in human relationships nothing is ever simple, and many factors are always dependent upon a multitude of other things, but in essence, and in my experience D/s relationships are habit forming, and once you have been there it is very hard to walk away without a need to return for more.