Spare a Thought

Dominants are tough, hard, expressionless, devoid of emotion, aren't they?
Many seem to have this picture of Doms as these kind of underworld hitmen characters who have no feelings, no remorse, no conscience.

Not true!

This week has been a tough one, with work and lack of sleep, and all the usual daily life crap. Add to that there was a need to discipline my cleo. Now to discipline in the sense I mean cannot happen when the kids are about, and as it's half term here this week, we had to wait till they went off with their dad for a few days. So last night was the first opportunity since the transgression happened on Sunday. I had told cleo that we would do this, and that of course was accepted. We had spoken about it too (something we always do, and which makes our relationship special) prior, in that we both kind of knew what was going to happen, and why.

The fact was that we had lost our relative positions within the M/s relationship, and those needed reinforcing. So, at the appointed time cleo was administered the discipline, in a very intense, and very high tension hour or so. For both of us this time is very focussed, and enables each to get our M/s perspective back. For cleo, it's about submission, and accepting Master's will. For me it's about Dominance, and about creating control (which may well have been lost).

To hurt the one you love, and this is a perrenial question, how can this be. Well, as I have said before, its about needs, and fulfillment. For me, I have to become quite detached and non-emotive. This enables me to look past the tears, and continue what I know to be the right actions. I am not sure how I achieve it, although I do, but thinking about it today, I believe that there is far more happeneing inside my head than I realised. To push ones slave to tears, and beyond, where she is mentally wrecked by the pain and mental pressure that I am forcing upon her is no easy thing. It would be too easy to stop half way, and say "That's enough", but what would this achieve? Nothing! Unless the job (because tht is what it is essentially) is done to completion, it's not worth starting in the first place.

Now, today and at the time of writing some 24 hours after the fact, i have been feeling really low, down in the dumps, and emotionally drained. Sitting here at the pc, it suddenly occurred to me that maybe this was a reaction to the intensity of the discipline thing yesterday.

I can't say that i have ever suffered from any sort of "drop" before, but I have seen the effects in my cleo , of subdrop, after intense subspace experiences, and it may well be that this is the case for me today.

The conflict within my head between doing what was required, and the lifelong conditioning I have of not hurting others, may well have created this, who knows? So, spare a thought for us Dominants, who are not always the big flogger wielding baddies we seem to be made out to be. We have feelings, and emotions too, and maybe, just maybe, we care too much sometimes? Or maybe we should be prepared to admit at least that we do care, and that what we do affects us in more ways than we might actually be prepared to show.

cleo also wrote about this incident in her personal weblog. You may like toread that too.
Click here for that

In the Best Interests of...

My cleo wrote her blog tonight, after a tough couple of days suffering with excruciating pain from her frozen shoulder. You can see it here. Now, one of the things which is all important in any relationship, but moreso in one that relies on a physical element, and especially a pain based one as we do in D/s and BDSM is understanding how ones partner feels, and physically whether they can accept what you may have to offer. I am not talking about that judgement which we make during play, when I am pushing her to a limit, and whether or not I decide to spank her again, or use the flogger or crop once more. What I am talking about is the actual physical state which might allow her to undertake any sort of D/s play. Pain, of the bad kind, that created by (in this case) a severely frozen shoulder is a phenomenon which grinds you down, hour by hour, and day day, until you are at both a physical, and mental breaking point.

At this point the slightest push can create a huge emotional backlash. That's not something we want. So as cleo's Master I have to be aware of this, I need to put my feelings, my wants and needs to one side, and to wrap my slave in cotton wool if needs be, to enable her best to deal with the problems she herself has. We often use the phrase "in the best interests of the slave(or Dom)" depending upon who is saying it. Our relationship is built on several layers, and while D/s is a major and very important factor in what we do, the all consuming single element we have is our love. I love my cleo more than I can possibly express, and as such I have to allow that love to rise to the surface, and to override the D/s needs which we both have.

Within D/s there is a question often asked which is : "How can you hurt someone whom you say you love that much? " Simple answer is that I do it because it satisfies a basic need within both her and me. If she did not receive that pain from me she would be unfulfilled in submission. In many ways the fact that we can do that makes the bond of love we have so much stronger, because we do what do out of our love for each other. There are many D/s relationships which are based purely on physical gratification, rather than love, and i am sure they work well enough, but for me this cannot be the case. I prove my love to cleo, by doing what I do.

To actually physically hurt someone you profess to love also means that I have to "steel" myself to do that. It takes some resolve sometimes, especially in very intense or heavy scening. I used to find that I had this great conflict in my head about hurting her, and whether I might do something which caused her to love me less. Many many times she has told me in no uncertain terms that this cannot happen, although it has taken me nearly three years to get my head round this fact. I have to say, that having found that balance in my head now, I am far more at ease with the Master/slave relationship we have today, than perhaps I was with the original Dom/sub one we had 3 years ago.

Time allows us to explore and understand both our own feelings, and those of our partner, and while many relationships seem to work without that understanding (because they are more casual in their basis) I fervently believe that those kinds cannot be as rewarding mentally as that which cleo and I now have.

Thank you my cleo, for making me the person I am today, and you may be assured that I always act in the best interests of my slave, and I always will.

Structure and Form.

Sonnets!

That particular form of poetry which is often (well, quite often anyway) associated with Shakespeare (Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day?... etc) have a very specific structure in which they are written, in terms of rhyme, and rhythm. There are of course many other poets who have written, and still write in the sonnet form.

In its most basic construction the sonnet uses 14 lines, and 10 syllables per line, written to sound like the "left right, left right" of a person walking. It's a natural rhythm, and while we might all walk at different speeds, the way we walk, one foot after another, is something we cannot change. Here is a little site with an explanation of sonnets and how they work.

Anyway, the next thing I guess is to look at a sonnet, here's one.

Consent Exchanged

This all-consuming love, which keeps us here

Consent exchanged with ne'er a spoken word

A mutual vision of the life we want to share

Ambition set, and will not be deterred

And like the blacksmith working with his tools

Each day we forge a stronger steel-like bond

Our lives become enriched with dazzling jewels

And further yet, we still must go beyond

The heights of yesterday we will exceed

And ever higher make the power exchange

Our promise this to each we will succeed

And only for the better will we change

And like the heated metal takes its form

Our power exchange is every day reborn

Of course there aren't too many that eulogise about the D/s lifestyle.

Now, the way a sonnet works, as explained, is with a set structure, and although there is some flexibility, the structure must always be there for it to still be called a sonnet. As with any good D/s relationship, there has to be structure, and form. Each party to the relationship, like each line in the sonnet has their place, and each relates in a very specific way to the remainder of the whole. It is important that when setting out on any kind of relationship, that these relationship places are at least discussed, and understood. Open and very honest communication is the answer here, and too few people in this lifestyle either understand or adhere to that.

Yes, we all tell white lies from time time, and we all do things which we are ashamed of ( at least we ought to be!) but if we are basically honest about who we are, what we do, and what we want, then we wont go far wrong. The practice of many in D/s who choose to hide their real selves from others is both dishonest, and self defeating, in my view. Why? because you are what you are, and it's not easy to create a persona that is not based upon the real you, and of course, if you spin a web of lies and deceit eventually that whole thing will come back and bite you in the bum, or worse!

Ohh, and I bet you wondered who wrote the sonnet up there. Well I have to admit it was yours truly. It is one of a series, based upon certain parts and ideals within D/s, and maybe one day I'll have enough to create an anthology of D/s poetry, who knows? If you want to read any more of my poetry, then click the link to my personal site Presence of Mind, which has poetry and thoughts about D/s.

So, structure is important, and maybe the most important thing is that rather like the sonnet, that uses a "natural" rhythm (that of walking) which we all subconsciously understand even if we dont know why, the natural laws of a good D/s relationship are based upon setting a pace which all concerned can both accept, and understand, and in such a way that we only move to the next line when the previous one is perfectly formed, and complete in its rhyme, and rhythm.

Hidden Talents

There are talents within us all. Many of us know what we do, and what we do well. Similarly, we know which things we would rather not do because we feel that we do them less well. Sometimes, and this is particularly true in the submissive nature, there is a real element of low self esteem which is all pervading: " I can't do that, i'll spoil it.. I will make a mistake.. i am not good enough" etc etc

Well, while i understand that is a trait in subs, what we, as Dominants should be doing is praising our subs to the high heavens when we get the chance, because frankly the submissive nature is about failing, and fear of failing. In reality, submissives are by definition, tough people. they endure things that many Doms would not. Many subs have great talent, if only we would give them the encouragement to let it shine.

Now take as an example, my cleo. She often says that she cannot write, and is full of the fear that when she does people will ridicule her, for her style, and her ideas. Not so! She is a great writer, and has more good ideas, and more D/s knowledge than most other people I know. She spends hours and hours trawling through sites, reading all she can. She is like a sponge. Everything and anything pertaining to D/s she will read, retain, and inwardly digest.

She has recently undertaken at my request, the writing of her own blog, and here i would commend it to anyone who likes a good read. She has much to say, but not only that, it's the way she says it. She has a style which many would envy, and which a lot of highly paid journalists don't have.

You can find her blog at http://satinandlace.blogspot.com/ where you will find an articulate, and honest account of daily life as a submissive. I suggest that it is well worth a read, and that once read, you may want to go back and see it again and again. I do, and though i am biased, I believe that while cleo always says I am the one with the writing capabilities, I am probably too serious, her style is very conversational, and easy to read.

I simply say, click that link, and go enjoy.

To Fly, or to Flu, that is the question.

My cleo has her own weblog, which I have to say is a good one. She uses that to talk about things that happen to her, and us each day. Her most recent post is about our plans to play, and how things so often conspire to get in the way, and circumstances over which we have no control always (well, often anyway) seem to stop us from completing the planned activity.

Yesterday for example, having finished a long hard shift at work, 5 nights of real crap I came home, and we ended up at lunchtime in a heightened state of arousal, created by some sensual spanking, and application of pain and things. Now, in this state I can always tell, cleo is ready to "fly": to take that leap into subspace which is her goal, and release, and which state can often last for several hours. Of course, on a friday afternoon this is just not practical, because the kids will be home, and the youngest has to be collected from school. So with great self control, cleo declined to allow herself to be transported to that altered state. No matter. Friday evening we are alone, and it can be continued....

So, Friday evening arrives, and after a meal the "play" is restarted: sensual spanking again, and the use of clamps which normally would create that trapdoor to the delicious subspace thing for cleo. However, after a while, and continued spaking and flogging which would normally have her head beginning to get really "whizzy" (note: Whizzy is a technical term we use for that first step into subspace: the rolling eyes, and the apparent intoxication effect caused by endorphin rush) she breaks down because the pain is just that. Not erotic, or sensual, not uplifting or mind-numbing, but just bloody hurting.

The last couple of days cleo has intimated she thought she may be getting a cold, or flu. Suddenly it looms large: she is coming down rapidly with some sort of cold: runny nose, aching all over, coughing and spluttering. So, we stop the play, and she ends up in a blubbering mass on the floor, all tears and running nose, because what had promised so much was never fulfilled, and she feels she has let me down, and she knows she will not fly tonight. So be it. I am pretty philosophical about these things, but all the same feel very upset for her, because I know how much she was looking forward to it.

The only thing to do then is tuck her up in bed and dose her up with flu tablets, and try to let her sleep as soundly as possible. This done, we hope the flu is not too bad as we are invited to dinner with a D/s friend tonight (Saturday).

Now, to get cleos perspective on this whole thing why not have a look at her personal weblog.

Click here to go to cleo's personal site, and follow the links to the journal from there to read her weblog. . Bookmark it too, because she writes a good piece, and it's well worth reading.