Because I can...

How many times do we see and hear that from Dom/mes? Because I can: a simple way to justify anything they may do within a D/s relationship. I have to admit that way back in the early days I was guilty too of that phrase. Anything that seemed like there might not be a way to explain what I was doing ..." Because I can" would be the answer.

Over time, I came to realise that just because I was empowered by another, that did not give me carte blanche to go ahead with no thought or justification. So, now I am firmly in the camp that says if I cannot really justify an action both to me, and my sub, then I cannot honestly do it.

In all cases I want to ensure that my sub understands the reasons why I, or we, do something, as I do too. If we cannot, then there can be no growth, and to be honest the "because I can" thing halted our growth in D/s for a while.

Any relationship is about balance: juggling needs and wants, desires, fulfilment, and even denial, to achieve what should be a rewarding and well rounded whole for both parties. The trap that is laid by the "because I can" syndrome makes Doms lazy, as they find that a way to justify, without ever having to understand, and it makes subs too ready to accept that, and take the attitude: Master is right, because he can do what he wants, and I cannot question.

What a load of bullshit that is! I actively encourage cleo to question, argue and correct me; after all I am far from perfect. I make mistakes, and I get things wrong. I miss the triggers, those moments when I should pick up on something from cleo and go with it, often creating a sense of anti-climax in her. However one of the greatest attributes of our relationship is communication. We discuss everything in minute detail. If I do miss something, I can often tell by her reaction. I will ask if I did. She will tell me too. There is no shame in that. Without that kind of communication the relationship cannot be a learning one.

I will not (for example) spank her just for me or her. It has to be about both of us. Quite often when cleo has shown that need for some kind of physical and mental release she will ask if I am doing that for her only. I will always reply that if I did not want to do it, or get something from it myself then I would not.

So, always be prepared to justify your actions. Never hide behind the "because I can" smokescreen. To be honest in a D/s relationship the Dom ought to know why they are doing things. If they don't I ask: Are they Dom at all? Or are they just hiding behind the facade to enable their own self gratification?

Understanding how the mind of ones partner works is important. It's not easy, as by definition the Dom and sub approach any position from opposing perspectives. However to at least try and see the others point of view is important. That way we might just begin to understand what makes our partner tick.

So, within the Dom is held the control, and power. But that control is given by the sub. Therefore in a two way relationship should it not be the case that the control should only be exerted if justifiable. Now, of course, it may be that from time to time a Dom will decide that the sub needs a little tug on the leash (metaphorically speaking) and if thats the case, there is the justification. Not because they can for no other reason but by finding the need within the sub that says "you are pushing further than you ought" That in itself gives the justification.

The sub should, provided you can demonstrate why and how they may have transgressed, and how you are going to deal with that, accept that action as a total justification of your position and control. In fact if you do that the "need" within the sub to have the Dom exert control is fed by that action.