Knowing is enough

Sometimes we need the physical. That need is one which must be served and when it's there it can scream out until it is satisfied. The D/s lifestyle is denoted not just by physical actions but to a large degree by a mental state of mind. If the mental state is right then quite often the physical requirement can be less important.

This week we have found that in our life. It is rare for cleo to say to me "I don't need physical, mental is enough. Just being there".

In a sense it defines our equilibrium, and our togetherness. We KNOW who we are, and what we mean to each other, and the mental satisfaction we derive from that, for this week at least, has been enough. Yes, we are still Master and sub, and yes we are a real life D/s couple, but our knowledge of that permeates everything we do. We don't have to prove it in a physical demonstration to us or anyone else. We don't have to shout it from the rooftops or declare what we have. For us the knowledge is enough.

Of course in the next days and weeks we will not refrain from the physical things we do; thats not what i am saying at all. In fact I expect that when we resume that the week or so break we have had will likely make our subsequent play even more intense.

Another piece of the jigsaw

Today I am very happy, and very proud.

Some time ago I suggested to my sub that we might place my mark (at the time we didn't quite know what or where) on her as a permanent indication of our relationship. Yesterday we did this. Even when we set out it was merely a trip to look at the various options for tattoos, to see what was available, and the practicalities of it all.

Arriving at the studio we began to sort through the possibilities, and at first glance nothing really jumped up and said "This is the one".

We had discussed chinese characters of some kind, and had looked at various words/combinations but at that point still really didn't know what we wanted.

In the studio several types of character were offered, and one seemed to be more appropriate than the rest. Of course unless you understand the chinesecharacter system the strokes of the resulting tattoo mean little.

Our choice was to place the mark at the base of subs spine, so that in certain positions (over the knee for example) it can be seen by Me. The tattooist warned that it would hurt more than usual in that spot, but cleo has had two tattoos before and was happy to go with that.

So, the tattoo chosen, we enetered the studio, and the ordeal, for thats what it became, began. It seems that tattooing the base of the spine is very painful, and sub was reduced to tears but submitted to the ordeal while hanging on tight to me.

They say Love Hurts....and thats what the characters denote. Love Hurts.

For us the meaning is fundamental, and also a little tongue in cheek, but it pretty much says it all. Last night I remarked that it was another piece of the jigsaw in our D/s lifestyle, and further seals the relationship we have together. Our D/s grows daily, and is so different now from what it was two years ago; unrecognisable even. That is what we strive for though, the growth, and equilibrium which we achieve daily.

Thank you sub, for being who and what you are. You make me proud and happy.

Because I can...

How many times do we see and hear that from Dom/mes? Because I can: a simple way to justify anything they may do within a D/s relationship. I have to admit that way back in the early days I was guilty too of that phrase. Anything that seemed like there might not be a way to explain what I was doing ..." Because I can" would be the answer.

Over time, I came to realise that just because I was empowered by another, that did not give me carte blanche to go ahead with no thought or justification. So, now I am firmly in the camp that says if I cannot really justify an action both to me, and my sub, then I cannot honestly do it.

In all cases I want to ensure that my sub understands the reasons why I, or we, do something, as I do too. If we cannot, then there can be no growth, and to be honest the "because I can" thing halted our growth in D/s for a while.

Any relationship is about balance: juggling needs and wants, desires, fulfilment, and even denial, to achieve what should be a rewarding and well rounded whole for both parties. The trap that is laid by the "because I can" syndrome makes Doms lazy, as they find that a way to justify, without ever having to understand, and it makes subs too ready to accept that, and take the attitude: Master is right, because he can do what he wants, and I cannot question.

What a load of bullshit that is! I actively encourage cleo to question, argue and correct me; after all I am far from perfect. I make mistakes, and I get things wrong. I miss the triggers, those moments when I should pick up on something from cleo and go with it, often creating a sense of anti-climax in her. However one of the greatest attributes of our relationship is communication. We discuss everything in minute detail. If I do miss something, I can often tell by her reaction. I will ask if I did. She will tell me too. There is no shame in that. Without that kind of communication the relationship cannot be a learning one.

I will not (for example) spank her just for me or her. It has to be about both of us. Quite often when cleo has shown that need for some kind of physical and mental release she will ask if I am doing that for her only. I will always reply that if I did not want to do it, or get something from it myself then I would not.

So, always be prepared to justify your actions. Never hide behind the "because I can" smokescreen. To be honest in a D/s relationship the Dom ought to know why they are doing things. If they don't I ask: Are they Dom at all? Or are they just hiding behind the facade to enable their own self gratification?

Understanding how the mind of ones partner works is important. It's not easy, as by definition the Dom and sub approach any position from opposing perspectives. However to at least try and see the others point of view is important. That way we might just begin to understand what makes our partner tick.

So, within the Dom is held the control, and power. But that control is given by the sub. Therefore in a two way relationship should it not be the case that the control should only be exerted if justifiable. Now, of course, it may be that from time to time a Dom will decide that the sub needs a little tug on the leash (metaphorically speaking) and if thats the case, there is the justification. Not because they can for no other reason but by finding the need within the sub that says "you are pushing further than you ought" That in itself gives the justification.

The sub should, provided you can demonstrate why and how they may have transgressed, and how you are going to deal with that, accept that action as a total justification of your position and control. In fact if you do that the "need" within the sub to have the Dom exert control is fed by that action.

Sex:The Icing and the Cake.

Sex!

It's a major part of most adult relationships. Forget reproduction, just go for the lust. Of course sex is important. However, in D/s is sex the be all and end all? No. Well not for us anyway. Sure, its a big part of what we do, as humans, enabling us to express our feelings for each other in a physical way.

I note that many relationships base themselves upon the sexual gratification of one (or both) partners. That's all very well, but can sexual gratification fulfill the basic needs of D/s ? In my view, probably not. D/s happens on a mental level way above sexual chemistry.

So, what of the icing and the cake? Exactly that: Sex is the icing, but it's no good creating the topping if you have no cake to decorate.

comfortable with ourselves.

We [cleo and I] have been 24/7 together nearly two and a half years now, and each day we still learn things, and happen upon unexpected discoveries about one another. In all that time our view of our relationship has changed many times, in that we have described ourselves within the lifestyle in many different ways. At first we worried about what people thought of us. In fact so much so that we were probably influenced by others. With time spent together comes experience, and a knowledge that we are what we are, and now we only really answer to each other about what we do.

Being comfortable with, and in each other's company also gives us a strength that few manage to obtain. Because we don't answer to anyone else, we don't need to concern ourselves with what they think of us. Our D/s is what we make it. It is both personal and private. We rarely discuss in public the actualities of what we do, or how. We see no need, frankly, to tell others about our private moments. What we are happy to demonstrate is how strong our relationship is: and of course that is created by not only our lifestyle choice, but by the fact, whether through luck or judgement that we are matched in almost every way. We think the same thoughts, like and dislike the same things, and for the most part are in tune on pretty much everything we do.

Of course finding that soulmate is based on luck: however, having found the one it is so important that we take the opportunity thats presented and go with it. Whatever that may mean. Too many live in the comfort zone of what they have, afraid to break out and take that big leap of faith to grasp what they know is really right for them. To those I say "you are not as comitted as you would have us believe".

Phone Deaf?

It seems to me that those people who travel on trains, and carry their latest mobile phone models are all afflicted by a similar ailment. They are what may be described as "Phone Deaf".

I sat on the train last night coming home from work, and was continuously assaulted by all manner of ever increasing ringtone volume. Why do these new phones ring louder and louder each time? Come to think of it why do these phones not actually ring at all? Phones in my opinion should not play tunes, but actually ring.

Having ascertained that the polyphonic version of the latest Eminem hit or Beethovens 5th Symphony which is presently causing other travellers to don ear defenders, these phone deaf people then take another age to look at the display and see who it is that might actually be phoning them.

"Ello, ohh its you..." (I thought they already knew) " I'm on the train..." (they would be wouldn't they).

They then proceed to discuss stuff like: What's for dinner, I am on the 7.34, Should be home by 8.25 (same time every night!). Am I the only one who prefers not to have my phone ring? I put mine on silent. Perhaps the answer is for the train operators to provide no-phone carriages?